KHR Fic: Ordinary World (5/?)
Aug. 29th, 2009 02:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
asaelNeedless to say, I'm overjoyed at Mukuro's return to the manga. IT'S BEEN SO LONG. So in celebration of that, and in celebration of my birthday on Monday, I'll post the next part of Ordinary World. Hooray, something that isn't weird smut!
Ordinary World (5/?)
Katekyo Hitman Reborn
Mukuro-centric
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
The next morning, Mukuro's headache was almost gone.
It still lingered around the edges, sending a spike of pain through his skill if he turned his head too fast or the lights were too bright, but it was livable. He could handle it.
He stayed home from school anyway, mostly at Tsuna's request. Reborn's, really, since the Arcobaleno preferred that Mukuro lay low until they found out what they could from the body that had been left behind.
Mukuro didn't mind too much. His headache might be better, more or less, but he was far from being in top shape. He was still exhausted, and if anything it had gotten worse. If he moved too quickly he got dizzy, and he simply had no energy at all. If he went to school he'd only sleep the whole day, and if he were going to do that, it was much more comfortable here.
Tsuna's mother checked on him from time to time, which Mukuro found strange and somewhat annoying. It wasn't as if he were going to die, after all, and he really didn't need to be constantly supplied with snacks. At least the children, the young Thunder Guardian and the Chinese girl, knew enough to leave him alone (though he could hear them making noise downstairs).
Finally, she woke Mukuro from a light nap to tell him they were going to the store. Mukuro assured her that he'd be fine, though it was unclear why she was asking - perhaps she really was worried that he'd drop dead if she didn't keep his glass of water properly filled.
After Tsuna's mother and the children were gone, Mukuro wearily dug out his phone. It was even more important to check in with Ken and Chikusa now, learn what they'd found - if they'd found anything at all. They had to be extremely careful when it came to investigating the mafia prison - after all, they were technically still escaped prisoners, even if the Vongola had discouraged further pursuit of them.
Ken had gotten a phone from somewhere, and this was what Mukuro called. He apparently felt it was necessary to shout into the phone so that Mukuro could hear him, though, so Mukuro was forced to hold it some inches from his ear. His head throbbed.
"Mukuro-sama!" Ken shouted, sounding cheerful, happy to hear from him. It made Mukuro smile just a little, despite his weariness.
"Ken," Mukuro said, "we shouldn't talk long. Have you and Chikusa found anything?" He could hear the static, proof of an overseas connection, and wasn't sure how long they'd be able to keep talking. And of course, he couldn't be certain they were in a secure location, either.
"Not really," Ken said, somehow managing to sound energetic and discouraged at the same time. "I mean, we were looking for the guy who did that whole thing to you, but you know those fuckers always keep their identity secret. I think we've got a lead, though. Chikusa found a guy who says he knows a guy."
"Language," Mukuro reminded, not that he really cared. "I suppose it really hasn't been long enough for actual results." They'd always been focused on breaking out of the prison, guards and defenses and timetables. Its inner workings were only relevant if they'd impede that. Now things were different, so of course it would take time.
But he was so tired.
Ken was talking again. "Things are cool there, right? No more broken bones?" There was a snarl underneath his voice that amused Mukuro. Surely Ken would protect him from the terrifying and vicious Hibari Kyoya if he could.
"Don't worry," Mukuro said, "I'm perfectly fine." He did not even consider telling Ken the truth. He didn't need to know. There was nothing he could do, after all, and Ken was much too excitable. If he and Chikusa knew, they would undoubtedly be rushed and careless with the job Mukuro had given them, and he certainly couldn't have that.
He wouldn't tell the Vongola, either. There was just as little they could - or would - do, and Mukuro would not show them even more weakness than he already had. The very thought disgusted him.
"That's good!" Ken said. "Those mafia bastards can't be trusted, so watch your back, okay Mukuro-sama?"
Mukuro laughed. "And you watch yours, Ken. Tell Chikusa to bring me back some gianduiotti when you're finished."
"Will do!" Ken said, good spirits regained. "Talk to you later, Mukuro-sama."
"Yes," Mukuro said. "Goodbye."
He put his phone away and lay back. It really hadn't been enough time for Ken and Chikusa to have found anything, but he'd had some hope, and considering his worsening condition he'd had to ask. Still, Mukuro felt no disappointment, only acceptance that he'd have to wait.
Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice he was trying to ignore, a voice that said keeping his failing strength a secret from the Vongola family was a bad idea. Tsuna had taken him in, was trying to protect him. It wasn't entirely impossible that he would be willing to help with this - whatever was going on.
But that was part of the problem. Mukuro didn't really know what was going on, only that he was getting weaker. What could Sawada Tsunayoshi do? And why would Mukuro want to look even more pathetic than he already did, put himself in even more debt to the mafia that he hated?
Fed up with the world, Mukuro turned his back to the small room's window and pulled his blanket over his head, resolving not to listen to that voice, not to think such stupid things.
He fell asleep almost immediately.
***
Yamamoto found it almost impossible to pay any attention in class today.
Not that he was normally a great student or anything - his grades were generally just barely good enough for him to pass, thanks to Gokudera's occasional irritated tutoring - but he usually at least attempted to pay attention, even if he didn't understand.
Today all he could think about was the night before.
He kept seeing Mukuro in his mind, Mukuro sliding the knife across that man's throat, the rush of red and the body falling to the ground. Mukuro standing over the dead man without an ounce of regret in his eyes.
The thing was, Yamamoto liked Mukuro. He liked him a lot. Mukuro was funny, and smart, and calm despite his strangeness. He never cared if Yamamoto was late for lunch or if Yamamoto said something stupid. He'd just laugh. Sometimes he said odd things, things Yamamoto didn't really understand, and sometimes he barely seemed to be paying any attention when they talked. But he was friendly, he was pretty, and Yamamoto was getting to be sure he'd be a great kisser.
He just found it impossible to understand some parts of Mukuro.
Yamamoto was broken from his thoughts when Gokudera's hand slammed down on his desk.
"Hey!" Gokudera said angrily, "class is over. What's wrong with you?"
Yamamoto realized that was in fact true, that most of the students had left the classroom to go talk with their friends in other classes or to just wander the halls. He laughed. "Guess I spaced out a little."
"The Tenth told me you and that Mukuro got attacked last night. Did you get hit in the head or something?" Gokudera said with a frown.
As usual, it was hard to tell whether Gokudera was actually concerned or just insulting Yamamoto. It made him smile. "Nah, nothing like that. It was just a weird night."
Gokudera looked at him for a minute, still frowning. "Did Mukuro do something? You can't trust him, you know. He still wants to steal Tsuna's body. So whatever stuff he does, don't let it get to you. That's what he wants."
Yamamoto had heard this before. Gokudera didn't trust Mukuro at all, and he made no secret of it. And maybe it was true. Maybe Mukuro really was spending his time plotting against them. Yamamoto didn't think so, but he couldn't attribute that to anything but the way Mukuro acted, and according to Gokudera Mukuro was perfectly capable of tricking them all.
Yamamoto generally listened to Gokudera, even if he didn't always agree with what the Storm Guardian said. He liked Gokudera - a lot, even if Gokudera refused to return that. Gokudera was special, in a way. He was, after all, the first person Yamamoto had ever killed for.
It hadn't been so long ago. Some family in Italy, gunning for the Vongola, had sent assassins to Japan to dispose of its heir. Needless to say, Gokudera refused to allow that to happen, and had thrown himself into the fight with his usual passion. Yamamoto didn't remember the whole thing very clearly, and he thought he might prefer it that way. He just remembered that it had come down to a split second decision between Gokudera's death or an enemy's. He'd made the choice without thinking.
They'd never spoken of it, but Yamamoto thought it had changed things between them, though he couldn't quite pinpoint how. Maybe it was the way Gokudera looked at him, or maybe it was the way that now, when Yamamoto dreamed of Gokudera, it wasn't the hormone-filled teenage dreams he'd gotten used to. It was dreams of blood and death and Gokudera watching.
Yamamoto would have preferred the old dreams, as embarrassing as they were sometimes.
Still, no matter what had happened, Gokudera was important to him. It was just that Mukuro was becoming important in his own way, as well. He was easy to be with because there was no baggage there. Just simple friendship, Yamamoto thought, or something kind of like it.
"He didn't do anything strange," Yamamoto said, smiling. It had bothered him - it still did - but he knew that something like that really wasn't strange for Mukuro.
Gokudera looked at him suspiciously. "But you guys did get in a fight, didn't you? Nobody got hurt?"
Yamamoto could never tell what Gokudera was thinking when he said things like that. Was he concerned or just suspicious? It was easier not worry about it. "Yeah, we did. Both of us are fine, and Mukuro took out one of the other guys."
"'Took out'?" Gokudera said, staring. "But he can't use that eye of his anymore, right?" His eyes narrowed a little, as if he'd had something confirmed.
"No, no," Yamamoto hastened to reassure him, or to reassert Mukuro's innocence - he wasn't sure himself. "He didn't use his powers at all, it was just..." Well, he wasn't sure what it had been. Mukuro had proven that he wasn't helpless without using his powers at all, he thought, but Yamamoto hadn't actually seen what happened.
The line between Gokudera's eyebrows lightened a bit as his glare lessened. "So he can still fight, then. Seems stupid to have us guarding him if he can take care of himself fine." His suspicion was mostly gone, replaced by good old Gokudera-style grouchiness.
Yamamoto didn't bother mentioning that Gokudera really hadn't guarded Mukuro at all. He himself didn't mind it, it was even fun a lot of the time. And even if Mukuro could fight, without his powers he wouldn't stand much of a chance against anything but a thug like the ones who had attacked them. He wasn't a normal guy - that was impossible - but he'd lost his special advantages.
For a moment, Yamamoto saw Mukuro the way he thought Gokudera might. Powerless, but not helpless. A convicted murderer set loose. Even if he couldn't use his illusions or possess anyone, weren't there plenty of people who murdered and ruined lives without ever having any special abilities at all? Mukuro had already proven that he didn't care about hurting people, killing them.
But Yamamoto knew the mafia better now, and he knew that Mukuro understood it much more deeply than he did. He thought Mukuro was very aware that without any special advantage, he would be quickly killed if he tried to act out. In the normal world, Mukuro was dangerous, a murderer who could defend himself and who wouldn't hesitate. In the mafia world, Mukuro was barely even a threat anymore.
They did need to protect him, because it wasn't anyone in the normal world who would be coming after Mukuro.
"Yeah, I guess he can fight..." Yamamoto was trying to figure out how to voice his thoughts, how to make Gokudera understand. He wasn't great with words. But there was a step behind them, and Gokudera turned a little to look.
His eyes widened, and Yamamoto turned to see Hibari there, sharp eyes watching them both.
"Mukuro fought," Hibari said. It wasn't a question. He had heard them talking, Yamamoto didn't know how much. He didn't know why it would matter, either.
"Yeah, we both got attacked-" Yamamoto said, starting to explain with a smile, but Hibari just fixed him with a harsh glare and strode from the room, leaving terrified students in his wake.
He exchanged confused glances with Gokudera. What had that been about?
***
When he got home from school that day, Tsuna took a deep breath, ignored his homework, and went to go talk to Mukuro.
He knocked on the door of the spare room and waited. When Mukuro finally answered, he looked like he'd just woken up, though his eyes were bright. Tsuna was glad he hadn't just gone in - he didn't really want to see how Mukuro would react if woken up unexpectedly.
"Um, hi..." Tsuna said, wondering if this had been a good idea in the first place. Talking to Mukuro was always a little uncomfortable for him. "Can I talk to you?"
Mukuro raised an eyebrow in mild surprise, but stepped back from the door so Tsuna could enter if he wished. "Yes, I suppose you can. Is this about the attack last night?"
Tsuna winced to think of that. He understood what had happened, he understood that Mukuro had killed out of self-defense. He also wasn't that stupid, he knew Mukuro didn't care about lives and... and human mercy as much as Tsuna did.
It didn't change how he felt. He had never wanted anyone to have to kill because of him, but it had happened anyway. He still remembered every time, every person. There hadn't been that many - because he was still young, according to Reborn, and because he tried to keep it from happening. But that didn't mean he had succeeded.
Yamamoto had killed three people, Tsuna knew. He had been there for each death, and he knew that each one had been done in defense of someone - not that that made it better or easier for Yamamoto. He still remembered how sick Yamamoto had looked for weeks after the first one, even though he smiled as he always had.
Gokudera had killed two - though Tsuna was certain they weren't his first kills. That bothered him too, that made him uncomfortable when he thought about it. But it was almost certainly true, since Gokudera had seemed unhappy but nowhere near as upset as Yamamoto had. Tsuna hadn't yet found the guts to ask him directly, though.
Ryohei, so far, had kept his hands clean. Lambo had as well, of course, and Tsuna hoped that he would for a long, long time.
Hibari... Tsuna didn't know if he had ever actually killed anyone in his normal life. Despite his threats, he tended to beat people into unconsciousness rather than actually kill them. Once he had started to become part of the mafia world, though, he had blended in easily - Tsuna didn't really know how many people he might have killed, because Hibari hated crowds and would fight alone rather than alongside them. But he had seen with his own eyes at least two definite deaths.
Every one of them weighed on him. He didn't want this, he didn't want his friends learning how to kill people before they'd even graduated from high school. But what could he do? None of them wanted to die, either, and it had started to become slowly more obvious that that was the choice they had. Learn how to kill, or be killed themselves.
The only consolation Tsuna had was his determination to change the mafia world, and his belief that killing hurt his friends each time they had to do it. For Yamamoto and Gokudera, he knew it was true. For Hibari, he wasn't sure - but he thought even Hibari was reluctant, choosing to injure first.
For Mukuro, on the other hand, he knew it wasn't true. Mukuro had killed so many people, and he had done it before Tsuna had ever learned of the mafia, before Yamamoto picked up a sword, before even Gokudera did anything more violent than play the piano. Mukuro didn't care anymore, if he ever had. Tsuna had always known that, Reborn had always told him Mukuro wasn't like them - but he hadn't had to face it, not until Yamamoto told him how easily Mukuro had murdered a man.
He didn't want that. The mafia world wasn't all bad. The bonds of family, friendship, the amazing things he'd seen - Tsuna knew it wasn't all bad. But how could he see it without wanting to change it? How could he know about what happened to people, children, innocents like Mukuro had been, and not want to do something about it?
Lifting his chin and taking a deep breath, Tsuna managed to meet Mukuro's eyes. With both blue, instead of mismatched red and blue, it was easier than it had been before. "It's not about that." His voice wavered only a little. "I want you to trust me, Mukuro. I don't want you to treat me like your enemy."
There was a flicker of surprise in Mukuro's eyes that disappeared almost as soon as it appeared. He smiled. "Don't you think I trust you, Tsunayoshi? I'm living here at your house, after all."
"But you're just staying because you have to, right?" Tsuna wasn't sure of what he was saying. He just wanted to reach out, show Mukuro that life didn't always have to be the way he was thinking of it, even mafia life. "You didn't become my Guardian because you wanted to, either."
"On the contrary," Mukuro said, not losing that condescending smile, "I absolutely wanted to. What better way to get close, claim your body, achieve my goals? It's not working out as well as I'd hoped, of course, but it was a good plan."
Tsuna knew that wasn't true, no matter what Mukuro said. Maybe Mukuro did want that - it scared Tsuna a little, but he knew it was possible. But the main reason he'd agreed was to save Chikusa and Ken, not for self-serving reasons at all. They could understand each other, if they tried. If Mukuro trusted him.
"Mukuro..." Tsuna gulped some air, determined to change the subject from Mukuro's plans to his own. "Listen to me, okay? I want to change the mafia."
Mukuro laughed, and Tsuna felt his shoulders hunch a little. "And how will you do that, young Vongola? Do you have a plan for this? Even if you did, it's not that easy. Their way of life is too old and too embedded to be changed by a young upstart like you." He looked confident, amused, utterly condescending.
For a moment, Tsuna felt a hot spike of irritation that drove away the unease and nervousness. He met Mukuro's eyes again. "It's not impossible. People can change, if they choose to. I can change things, if I try. People aren't all bad, not even in the mafia."
As he said it, he realized that he truly believed that. Tsuna knew that the families of the mafia were not kind or good, he knew that they were out for themselves before anyone else. But he also knew that they weren't all bad. What about Dino, or the Ninth Vongola? What about Basil? And as much as he hated to think of his friends as mafia, what about them? Yamamoto, Ryohei, Gokudera... they were all good people, kind people, even if Gokudera tried to hide it.
The institution itself might be bloodstained and cruel, but not all the people who were part of it were. Some of them probably were beyond help, but Tsuna knew that wasn't the case for everyone. And if the Vongola family was going to fall into his hands, why couldn't he start there? Why couldn't he make it a good place, even among all the darkness? Maybe if he did that, it would change people's minds. Maybe if he did that it would start to change the rest of the mafia.
It might never be perfect, but it could be a better place, a place that wouldn't create people like Mukuro or Xanxus or any of the other people who held their hate so closely to their hearts.
Tsuna looked at Mukuro, looked into his eyes, and realized something else.
"But you don't believe that - no, you won't believe that," he said slowly. He felt - sad, felt a strange pity for Mukuro that had nothing to do with the Mist Guardian's current weakness.
He knew that Mukuro wasn't all bad, but Tsuna had to admit that he had no idea if it was even possible for Mukuro to start trusting people the way Tsuna wanted him to. Even if he remained powerless forever, could never hurt anyone again, would he ever believe that people were worth anything? Or would he spend the rest of his life regretting that he'd never been able to go through on his ultimate plan to remake the world?
It wasn't the kind of life Tsuna wanted for anyone.
He had read once that even horribly abused, aggressive dogs could be rehabilitated if you were careful and kind, if you took the time to do it. They could be taught to love and trust even after being beaten and trained to attack. But Mukuro wasn't a dog - Tsuna knew it was impossible for him to change unless he chose to do it himself.
Tsuna didn't think he would choose to do that, and that was what made him feel that strange pity.
Mukuro's eyes narrowed, as if he could tell what Tsuna was feeling, as if he hated being thought about that way. Then he smiled, a casual razor-thin smile. "Of course I wouldn't believe such a thing. Oh, there are good people in this world, but they're easily misled. Good intentions, and all that. Even the ones who hold on to their beliefs don't usually have the strength to back them up, and if they do, their efforts will be undone by the next person to come along with a black enough heart. Your dreams are very nice, I'm sure, but they're dreams." He shrugged casually. "Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?"
Tsuna had opened his mouth, unsure of what he would say, when the phone in his pocket beeped to let him know he had a text message. He was grateful for the interruption, mostly because he had no idea how to make Mukuro think about the things he'd said, and when he saw the message he smiled. He'd forgotten for a moment that there were some things, some people that Mukuro trusted - even if it were only a little.
"Gokudera says that Chrome is awake," he said, and glanced up in time to see the look of relief, quickly hidden, in Mukuro's eyes.
It made Tsuna feel just a tiny bit better.
previous chapter | next chapter
Ordinary World (5/?)
Katekyo Hitman Reborn
Mukuro-centric
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
The next morning, Mukuro's headache was almost gone.
It still lingered around the edges, sending a spike of pain through his skill if he turned his head too fast or the lights were too bright, but it was livable. He could handle it.
He stayed home from school anyway, mostly at Tsuna's request. Reborn's, really, since the Arcobaleno preferred that Mukuro lay low until they found out what they could from the body that had been left behind.
Mukuro didn't mind too much. His headache might be better, more or less, but he was far from being in top shape. He was still exhausted, and if anything it had gotten worse. If he moved too quickly he got dizzy, and he simply had no energy at all. If he went to school he'd only sleep the whole day, and if he were going to do that, it was much more comfortable here.
Tsuna's mother checked on him from time to time, which Mukuro found strange and somewhat annoying. It wasn't as if he were going to die, after all, and he really didn't need to be constantly supplied with snacks. At least the children, the young Thunder Guardian and the Chinese girl, knew enough to leave him alone (though he could hear them making noise downstairs).
Finally, she woke Mukuro from a light nap to tell him they were going to the store. Mukuro assured her that he'd be fine, though it was unclear why she was asking - perhaps she really was worried that he'd drop dead if she didn't keep his glass of water properly filled.
After Tsuna's mother and the children were gone, Mukuro wearily dug out his phone. It was even more important to check in with Ken and Chikusa now, learn what they'd found - if they'd found anything at all. They had to be extremely careful when it came to investigating the mafia prison - after all, they were technically still escaped prisoners, even if the Vongola had discouraged further pursuit of them.
Ken had gotten a phone from somewhere, and this was what Mukuro called. He apparently felt it was necessary to shout into the phone so that Mukuro could hear him, though, so Mukuro was forced to hold it some inches from his ear. His head throbbed.
"Mukuro-sama!" Ken shouted, sounding cheerful, happy to hear from him. It made Mukuro smile just a little, despite his weariness.
"Ken," Mukuro said, "we shouldn't talk long. Have you and Chikusa found anything?" He could hear the static, proof of an overseas connection, and wasn't sure how long they'd be able to keep talking. And of course, he couldn't be certain they were in a secure location, either.
"Not really," Ken said, somehow managing to sound energetic and discouraged at the same time. "I mean, we were looking for the guy who did that whole thing to you, but you know those fuckers always keep their identity secret. I think we've got a lead, though. Chikusa found a guy who says he knows a guy."
"Language," Mukuro reminded, not that he really cared. "I suppose it really hasn't been long enough for actual results." They'd always been focused on breaking out of the prison, guards and defenses and timetables. Its inner workings were only relevant if they'd impede that. Now things were different, so of course it would take time.
But he was so tired.
Ken was talking again. "Things are cool there, right? No more broken bones?" There was a snarl underneath his voice that amused Mukuro. Surely Ken would protect him from the terrifying and vicious Hibari Kyoya if he could.
"Don't worry," Mukuro said, "I'm perfectly fine." He did not even consider telling Ken the truth. He didn't need to know. There was nothing he could do, after all, and Ken was much too excitable. If he and Chikusa knew, they would undoubtedly be rushed and careless with the job Mukuro had given them, and he certainly couldn't have that.
He wouldn't tell the Vongola, either. There was just as little they could - or would - do, and Mukuro would not show them even more weakness than he already had. The very thought disgusted him.
"That's good!" Ken said. "Those mafia bastards can't be trusted, so watch your back, okay Mukuro-sama?"
Mukuro laughed. "And you watch yours, Ken. Tell Chikusa to bring me back some gianduiotti when you're finished."
"Will do!" Ken said, good spirits regained. "Talk to you later, Mukuro-sama."
"Yes," Mukuro said. "Goodbye."
He put his phone away and lay back. It really hadn't been enough time for Ken and Chikusa to have found anything, but he'd had some hope, and considering his worsening condition he'd had to ask. Still, Mukuro felt no disappointment, only acceptance that he'd have to wait.
Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice he was trying to ignore, a voice that said keeping his failing strength a secret from the Vongola family was a bad idea. Tsuna had taken him in, was trying to protect him. It wasn't entirely impossible that he would be willing to help with this - whatever was going on.
But that was part of the problem. Mukuro didn't really know what was going on, only that he was getting weaker. What could Sawada Tsunayoshi do? And why would Mukuro want to look even more pathetic than he already did, put himself in even more debt to the mafia that he hated?
Fed up with the world, Mukuro turned his back to the small room's window and pulled his blanket over his head, resolving not to listen to that voice, not to think such stupid things.
He fell asleep almost immediately.
***
Yamamoto found it almost impossible to pay any attention in class today.
Not that he was normally a great student or anything - his grades were generally just barely good enough for him to pass, thanks to Gokudera's occasional irritated tutoring - but he usually at least attempted to pay attention, even if he didn't understand.
Today all he could think about was the night before.
He kept seeing Mukuro in his mind, Mukuro sliding the knife across that man's throat, the rush of red and the body falling to the ground. Mukuro standing over the dead man without an ounce of regret in his eyes.
The thing was, Yamamoto liked Mukuro. He liked him a lot. Mukuro was funny, and smart, and calm despite his strangeness. He never cared if Yamamoto was late for lunch or if Yamamoto said something stupid. He'd just laugh. Sometimes he said odd things, things Yamamoto didn't really understand, and sometimes he barely seemed to be paying any attention when they talked. But he was friendly, he was pretty, and Yamamoto was getting to be sure he'd be a great kisser.
He just found it impossible to understand some parts of Mukuro.
Yamamoto was broken from his thoughts when Gokudera's hand slammed down on his desk.
"Hey!" Gokudera said angrily, "class is over. What's wrong with you?"
Yamamoto realized that was in fact true, that most of the students had left the classroom to go talk with their friends in other classes or to just wander the halls. He laughed. "Guess I spaced out a little."
"The Tenth told me you and that Mukuro got attacked last night. Did you get hit in the head or something?" Gokudera said with a frown.
As usual, it was hard to tell whether Gokudera was actually concerned or just insulting Yamamoto. It made him smile. "Nah, nothing like that. It was just a weird night."
Gokudera looked at him for a minute, still frowning. "Did Mukuro do something? You can't trust him, you know. He still wants to steal Tsuna's body. So whatever stuff he does, don't let it get to you. That's what he wants."
Yamamoto had heard this before. Gokudera didn't trust Mukuro at all, and he made no secret of it. And maybe it was true. Maybe Mukuro really was spending his time plotting against them. Yamamoto didn't think so, but he couldn't attribute that to anything but the way Mukuro acted, and according to Gokudera Mukuro was perfectly capable of tricking them all.
Yamamoto generally listened to Gokudera, even if he didn't always agree with what the Storm Guardian said. He liked Gokudera - a lot, even if Gokudera refused to return that. Gokudera was special, in a way. He was, after all, the first person Yamamoto had ever killed for.
It hadn't been so long ago. Some family in Italy, gunning for the Vongola, had sent assassins to Japan to dispose of its heir. Needless to say, Gokudera refused to allow that to happen, and had thrown himself into the fight with his usual passion. Yamamoto didn't remember the whole thing very clearly, and he thought he might prefer it that way. He just remembered that it had come down to a split second decision between Gokudera's death or an enemy's. He'd made the choice without thinking.
They'd never spoken of it, but Yamamoto thought it had changed things between them, though he couldn't quite pinpoint how. Maybe it was the way Gokudera looked at him, or maybe it was the way that now, when Yamamoto dreamed of Gokudera, it wasn't the hormone-filled teenage dreams he'd gotten used to. It was dreams of blood and death and Gokudera watching.
Yamamoto would have preferred the old dreams, as embarrassing as they were sometimes.
Still, no matter what had happened, Gokudera was important to him. It was just that Mukuro was becoming important in his own way, as well. He was easy to be with because there was no baggage there. Just simple friendship, Yamamoto thought, or something kind of like it.
"He didn't do anything strange," Yamamoto said, smiling. It had bothered him - it still did - but he knew that something like that really wasn't strange for Mukuro.
Gokudera looked at him suspiciously. "But you guys did get in a fight, didn't you? Nobody got hurt?"
Yamamoto could never tell what Gokudera was thinking when he said things like that. Was he concerned or just suspicious? It was easier not worry about it. "Yeah, we did. Both of us are fine, and Mukuro took out one of the other guys."
"'Took out'?" Gokudera said, staring. "But he can't use that eye of his anymore, right?" His eyes narrowed a little, as if he'd had something confirmed.
"No, no," Yamamoto hastened to reassure him, or to reassert Mukuro's innocence - he wasn't sure himself. "He didn't use his powers at all, it was just..." Well, he wasn't sure what it had been. Mukuro had proven that he wasn't helpless without using his powers at all, he thought, but Yamamoto hadn't actually seen what happened.
The line between Gokudera's eyebrows lightened a bit as his glare lessened. "So he can still fight, then. Seems stupid to have us guarding him if he can take care of himself fine." His suspicion was mostly gone, replaced by good old Gokudera-style grouchiness.
Yamamoto didn't bother mentioning that Gokudera really hadn't guarded Mukuro at all. He himself didn't mind it, it was even fun a lot of the time. And even if Mukuro could fight, without his powers he wouldn't stand much of a chance against anything but a thug like the ones who had attacked them. He wasn't a normal guy - that was impossible - but he'd lost his special advantages.
For a moment, Yamamoto saw Mukuro the way he thought Gokudera might. Powerless, but not helpless. A convicted murderer set loose. Even if he couldn't use his illusions or possess anyone, weren't there plenty of people who murdered and ruined lives without ever having any special abilities at all? Mukuro had already proven that he didn't care about hurting people, killing them.
But Yamamoto knew the mafia better now, and he knew that Mukuro understood it much more deeply than he did. He thought Mukuro was very aware that without any special advantage, he would be quickly killed if he tried to act out. In the normal world, Mukuro was dangerous, a murderer who could defend himself and who wouldn't hesitate. In the mafia world, Mukuro was barely even a threat anymore.
They did need to protect him, because it wasn't anyone in the normal world who would be coming after Mukuro.
"Yeah, I guess he can fight..." Yamamoto was trying to figure out how to voice his thoughts, how to make Gokudera understand. He wasn't great with words. But there was a step behind them, and Gokudera turned a little to look.
His eyes widened, and Yamamoto turned to see Hibari there, sharp eyes watching them both.
"Mukuro fought," Hibari said. It wasn't a question. He had heard them talking, Yamamoto didn't know how much. He didn't know why it would matter, either.
"Yeah, we both got attacked-" Yamamoto said, starting to explain with a smile, but Hibari just fixed him with a harsh glare and strode from the room, leaving terrified students in his wake.
He exchanged confused glances with Gokudera. What had that been about?
***
When he got home from school that day, Tsuna took a deep breath, ignored his homework, and went to go talk to Mukuro.
He knocked on the door of the spare room and waited. When Mukuro finally answered, he looked like he'd just woken up, though his eyes were bright. Tsuna was glad he hadn't just gone in - he didn't really want to see how Mukuro would react if woken up unexpectedly.
"Um, hi..." Tsuna said, wondering if this had been a good idea in the first place. Talking to Mukuro was always a little uncomfortable for him. "Can I talk to you?"
Mukuro raised an eyebrow in mild surprise, but stepped back from the door so Tsuna could enter if he wished. "Yes, I suppose you can. Is this about the attack last night?"
Tsuna winced to think of that. He understood what had happened, he understood that Mukuro had killed out of self-defense. He also wasn't that stupid, he knew Mukuro didn't care about lives and... and human mercy as much as Tsuna did.
It didn't change how he felt. He had never wanted anyone to have to kill because of him, but it had happened anyway. He still remembered every time, every person. There hadn't been that many - because he was still young, according to Reborn, and because he tried to keep it from happening. But that didn't mean he had succeeded.
Yamamoto had killed three people, Tsuna knew. He had been there for each death, and he knew that each one had been done in defense of someone - not that that made it better or easier for Yamamoto. He still remembered how sick Yamamoto had looked for weeks after the first one, even though he smiled as he always had.
Gokudera had killed two - though Tsuna was certain they weren't his first kills. That bothered him too, that made him uncomfortable when he thought about it. But it was almost certainly true, since Gokudera had seemed unhappy but nowhere near as upset as Yamamoto had. Tsuna hadn't yet found the guts to ask him directly, though.
Ryohei, so far, had kept his hands clean. Lambo had as well, of course, and Tsuna hoped that he would for a long, long time.
Hibari... Tsuna didn't know if he had ever actually killed anyone in his normal life. Despite his threats, he tended to beat people into unconsciousness rather than actually kill them. Once he had started to become part of the mafia world, though, he had blended in easily - Tsuna didn't really know how many people he might have killed, because Hibari hated crowds and would fight alone rather than alongside them. But he had seen with his own eyes at least two definite deaths.
Every one of them weighed on him. He didn't want this, he didn't want his friends learning how to kill people before they'd even graduated from high school. But what could he do? None of them wanted to die, either, and it had started to become slowly more obvious that that was the choice they had. Learn how to kill, or be killed themselves.
The only consolation Tsuna had was his determination to change the mafia world, and his belief that killing hurt his friends each time they had to do it. For Yamamoto and Gokudera, he knew it was true. For Hibari, he wasn't sure - but he thought even Hibari was reluctant, choosing to injure first.
For Mukuro, on the other hand, he knew it wasn't true. Mukuro had killed so many people, and he had done it before Tsuna had ever learned of the mafia, before Yamamoto picked up a sword, before even Gokudera did anything more violent than play the piano. Mukuro didn't care anymore, if he ever had. Tsuna had always known that, Reborn had always told him Mukuro wasn't like them - but he hadn't had to face it, not until Yamamoto told him how easily Mukuro had murdered a man.
He didn't want that. The mafia world wasn't all bad. The bonds of family, friendship, the amazing things he'd seen - Tsuna knew it wasn't all bad. But how could he see it without wanting to change it? How could he know about what happened to people, children, innocents like Mukuro had been, and not want to do something about it?
Lifting his chin and taking a deep breath, Tsuna managed to meet Mukuro's eyes. With both blue, instead of mismatched red and blue, it was easier than it had been before. "It's not about that." His voice wavered only a little. "I want you to trust me, Mukuro. I don't want you to treat me like your enemy."
There was a flicker of surprise in Mukuro's eyes that disappeared almost as soon as it appeared. He smiled. "Don't you think I trust you, Tsunayoshi? I'm living here at your house, after all."
"But you're just staying because you have to, right?" Tsuna wasn't sure of what he was saying. He just wanted to reach out, show Mukuro that life didn't always have to be the way he was thinking of it, even mafia life. "You didn't become my Guardian because you wanted to, either."
"On the contrary," Mukuro said, not losing that condescending smile, "I absolutely wanted to. What better way to get close, claim your body, achieve my goals? It's not working out as well as I'd hoped, of course, but it was a good plan."
Tsuna knew that wasn't true, no matter what Mukuro said. Maybe Mukuro did want that - it scared Tsuna a little, but he knew it was possible. But the main reason he'd agreed was to save Chikusa and Ken, not for self-serving reasons at all. They could understand each other, if they tried. If Mukuro trusted him.
"Mukuro..." Tsuna gulped some air, determined to change the subject from Mukuro's plans to his own. "Listen to me, okay? I want to change the mafia."
Mukuro laughed, and Tsuna felt his shoulders hunch a little. "And how will you do that, young Vongola? Do you have a plan for this? Even if you did, it's not that easy. Their way of life is too old and too embedded to be changed by a young upstart like you." He looked confident, amused, utterly condescending.
For a moment, Tsuna felt a hot spike of irritation that drove away the unease and nervousness. He met Mukuro's eyes again. "It's not impossible. People can change, if they choose to. I can change things, if I try. People aren't all bad, not even in the mafia."
As he said it, he realized that he truly believed that. Tsuna knew that the families of the mafia were not kind or good, he knew that they were out for themselves before anyone else. But he also knew that they weren't all bad. What about Dino, or the Ninth Vongola? What about Basil? And as much as he hated to think of his friends as mafia, what about them? Yamamoto, Ryohei, Gokudera... they were all good people, kind people, even if Gokudera tried to hide it.
The institution itself might be bloodstained and cruel, but not all the people who were part of it were. Some of them probably were beyond help, but Tsuna knew that wasn't the case for everyone. And if the Vongola family was going to fall into his hands, why couldn't he start there? Why couldn't he make it a good place, even among all the darkness? Maybe if he did that, it would change people's minds. Maybe if he did that it would start to change the rest of the mafia.
It might never be perfect, but it could be a better place, a place that wouldn't create people like Mukuro or Xanxus or any of the other people who held their hate so closely to their hearts.
Tsuna looked at Mukuro, looked into his eyes, and realized something else.
"But you don't believe that - no, you won't believe that," he said slowly. He felt - sad, felt a strange pity for Mukuro that had nothing to do with the Mist Guardian's current weakness.
He knew that Mukuro wasn't all bad, but Tsuna had to admit that he had no idea if it was even possible for Mukuro to start trusting people the way Tsuna wanted him to. Even if he remained powerless forever, could never hurt anyone again, would he ever believe that people were worth anything? Or would he spend the rest of his life regretting that he'd never been able to go through on his ultimate plan to remake the world?
It wasn't the kind of life Tsuna wanted for anyone.
He had read once that even horribly abused, aggressive dogs could be rehabilitated if you were careful and kind, if you took the time to do it. They could be taught to love and trust even after being beaten and trained to attack. But Mukuro wasn't a dog - Tsuna knew it was impossible for him to change unless he chose to do it himself.
Tsuna didn't think he would choose to do that, and that was what made him feel that strange pity.
Mukuro's eyes narrowed, as if he could tell what Tsuna was feeling, as if he hated being thought about that way. Then he smiled, a casual razor-thin smile. "Of course I wouldn't believe such a thing. Oh, there are good people in this world, but they're easily misled. Good intentions, and all that. Even the ones who hold on to their beliefs don't usually have the strength to back them up, and if they do, their efforts will be undone by the next person to come along with a black enough heart. Your dreams are very nice, I'm sure, but they're dreams." He shrugged casually. "Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?"
Tsuna had opened his mouth, unsure of what he would say, when the phone in his pocket beeped to let him know he had a text message. He was grateful for the interruption, mostly because he had no idea how to make Mukuro think about the things he'd said, and when he saw the message he smiled. He'd forgotten for a moment that there were some things, some people that Mukuro trusted - even if it were only a little.
"Gokudera says that Chrome is awake," he said, and glanced up in time to see the look of relief, quickly hidden, in Mukuro's eyes.
It made Tsuna feel just a tiny bit better.
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no subject
Date: 2009-08-29 01:31 pm (UTC)More and more disturbing with every chapter though, feels like gradually suspense is building up. Moreover worsening Mukuro's condition gives even more reasons to worry.
Tsuna's attempt to win Mukuro's trust over felt right in the situation and inspired some hopes for the better outcome in case smth might happen to Rokudo, but still his words were kinda too naïve. No wonder Mukuro's reaction on this. And if I were Tsuna I would= expect nothing from him in the future. Since in my opinion, for Mukuro to change equals for him to die.
Also Hibari's reaction on Yamamoto's words makes me wonder whether he will do smth unreasonable. Argh, you're leaving me in a great confusion until the next chapter. :3
no subject
Date: 2009-08-30 12:36 am (UTC)I'm a little worried about what Hibari plans to do. AND YESSS, MORE 8069! <3 And Tsuna is sooo.... Tsuna. XD You probably heard this a million times before but I still love your portrayal of the characters. <3
no subject
Date: 2009-08-30 03:56 am (UTC)I loved Yama's pov and that little canon-like reaction from Hibari. Actually, I'm loving everyones characterizations.
I feel sorry for Tsuna, feeling if not being completely responsible for his friends turning into killers. Poor boy.
Happy Birthday! I'm saying it now though I might post something tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 07:51 am (UTC)Thank you for reading. :D I'll try to get the next chapter out soon!
no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 07:52 am (UTC)Thank you so much! :D I'm glad you like it. I really love writing them all but I can never tell if I get them 'right' or not, so I'm always so happy to hear that someone like the way I write the characters!
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Date: 2009-08-31 07:54 am (UTC)Thank you for reading! And for wishing me a happy birthday. :D
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Date: 2009-08-31 08:00 am (UTC)Btw, happy birthday, dear! May it become special for you. (ノ^^)ノ
no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 08:01 am (UTC)You're welcome! Also Happy Birthday! C: